i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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