Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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