mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize