am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
