Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize