Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
