you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
