It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I want a musical about memes.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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