Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
