the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
