I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
