I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
