There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
