don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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