now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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