when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
