dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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