A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
you had me at cake vodka
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
