I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
