did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
