I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
