I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
me + whiskey = a bad person
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
