I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think I sprained my soul last night
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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