I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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