Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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