I hate all girls vehemently.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
