mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
