Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My penis needs a shock collar
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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