I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize