Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
