I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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