She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
