I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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