Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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