Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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