my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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