I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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