I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
