is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
