Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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