i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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