U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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