so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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