i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
