I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
