I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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