Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
