I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
