The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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