So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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