Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
