Dual....:-)
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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