I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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