The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize