i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
