why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize