Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
