and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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