I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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