Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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