There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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