Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
