There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The Olympian is in my bed
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
