She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I would fuck him just for his dog
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
