apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
