i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize