So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
